As the Fiero Burns...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
4:38AM - A new years goal.
A change, A new year, a new goal.
First, an explanation:
I am tired of hanging out with girls I don't really like, and doing alot of favors that overcome me doing things for myself... Not doing recording, being controlled by women, not knowing if I am really friends with girls or if i just keep them around for sex or what have you...
I leave alot of friends out in the cold to go do things for girls I am seeing. I orchestrate every relationship like a conductor of a symphony.
To make things short, I am kind of a sex addict.
I am going learn some self control, and for the first time in my life i don't need validation. I like myself, and know that i am a great person. I am happy. I always think the problem with girls is that I will not be able to find someone new, but that is never the problem in reality is it?
Also I wonder what kind of relationships I would develop is sex wasn't the factor?
I am going to try to not have sex for longer then I ever have. 3 months. (longest ever was 2.5 and that was after Becky. Most of the time it is less then 30 days. This has been going on for the last 10 years, that I had sex mulitple times a week, somehow I just make sure that it happens.)
I think that i need to be able to do it. To control it. To not need a relationship to forfill it.
I will still go on dates, but nothing serious.
I want to hang out with my friends, and just be happy. Snowboarding? Yes. More guitar scales? YES.
And of course, record music.
Sex will be there once I learn control. And control will help me find a girl that deserves me.
Instead of a girl that will fuck me that i can tolerate. The only girl that has ever come to me on her own? Emily. And, well that was pretty good. I will end up with a girl that deserves me, and that has things in common with me.
This will be interesting because it may become like a sitcom I imagine there will be alot of funny obstacles along the way... Somehow not wanting to have sex is going to be a funny problem, and I will learn who are my real friends, and who I really like (or don't.)
If sex controls me, I will keep making decisions I am not proud of. Otherwise I think I am good person.
The end date will be my birthday. Because everyone should be able to have sex on their birthday. Seriously.
Ok end rant, wish me luck everyone!
Friday, November 12, 2010
life. It moves so fast for me, and so slow for everyone around me. There is no time. Me and her, we don't see time in the same way, because she is just one of you. I have many ideas but no time. How on earth did i get so much responsibility? Who thought this was a good idea? The Alex that i was, seems now a fading memory. Would he even like me? I am not sure I like all of him, but he would say i was a tool. I spell better then that guy. I miss my red hair. I have been replaced by someone so much more successful at getting exactly what he wants. Band, cars, money, girl. I have all that. Logically. If one left, I would replace it like a broken part. I would not worry if the machine would ever run again. I know how the machine works, and so all the mystery is gone.
I miss the mystery. Being thin, in charge and successful is tedious. I am not even a lot of any of those things. Just enough to be disgusted with all the effort used to make them happen. Yet obviously I would not have it any other way right? for if i did, I would do something different. When I was less of these things, people meant more. They were so much less... replaceable. Everything is replaceable. Some things you just hope you don't have to replace, because you are attached to them.
Data said it well,
"These are just things, and things can be replaced. Lifes however, once lost, cannot. You will rebuild and be happy again."
Only I don't want to be Data anymore. I used to be the guy who refused to leave the planet, because it was his home. He would fight, in the face of certain defeat. He refused to see himself moving on.
I don't get pushed around as much anymore, it surprises people.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
2:14PM - Burning man application!
LOW INCOME TICKET QUESTIONS FOR 2010 - PAGE 2
1. How many years have you attended Burning Man?
ThIs WilL bE mY sEcoNd YeAr!
2. Why do you feel you need a low cost ticket?
I am having trouble affording my bills lately, after I have been putting all my available money in to opening a business with my mom. We are called “Revived Cellular & Technology” You can check us out at http://www.revivedcellular.com . I have always been good at repairing things, and have translated that into cell phone repair. I have hired some employees, but we have yet to turn a profit, so every pay period we have been paying out of pocket, So really, I am incredibly in the hole right now.
3. What do you do to pay the bills and keep the landlord off your back? (i.e. - how do you make a living?)
Like I said above, I am co-owner of a non-profitable business at this point. I am trying to make ends meet. So far, I am having to put in my money that I make, back into the business most of the time, in one way or another. I am just trying to do something different. I believe in being a green company. I want to be able to support recycling, and reusing and repair, instead of getting on board this “throw-away” culture that seems to being adopted.
4. What is your average monthly take-home income AFTER taxes? Please be honest. We know this is painful, and your answer will be kept confidential. If you are not willing to answer it, please explain your reason why not.
$1500, approx. 2 pay periods of 750. A lot of that gets spent on rent, bills, and gas for doing promoting.
5. How do you plan to contribute to Burning Man 2010?
I am a musician. I love writing music, and playing guitar. I am in a band called “THE DEGENERATE ERA” You can listen to our music at http://myspace.com/thedegenerateera
Included I have printed a picture of a guitar I have designed, to bring to burning man. It has LED lights in the guitar, and a control box attached to it. You can make the lights flash or change them to any specific color. I am going to play guitar and sing, while operating this guitar on a PA I am bringing. It may be attached to a mutant car at some point. The whole guitar is painted NEON GREEN, with PINK neon Stripes, and a GLOW in the dark pickguard for extra fun at burning man. In addition, I love to Dance, and like to create fun neon outfits. I am part of a crew that camped at 540 and Genome last year and is planning to reconvene and camp again this year, with brainstorming going on about more ways to contribute to burning man at camp. Please accept this money and send me a ticket and I would be forever grateful.
6. What does the Burning Man community represent to you? (Please answer this even if you have never attended.)
It represents a community unlike any other I have ever experienced. I feel like when I am there, I am truly in presence of people who care. Where people are generous. It is the only place in the world that I have been, where people are not selfish. It represents a freedom that can only be experienced there. The best in art and culture convene, in a stress free fun environment that encourages exploration.
7. Is there anything else you would like to tell us?
I am also an avid car customizer. I am planning to try to register a mutant car, but I am working on design plans at the moment, and I am not sure who is going to help me, and what car I will use. So far plans include: A large PA system, multi-colored patterns of neon carpet, Led control boards on the doors, a submarine hatch. I plan to put lots of area on the top for people to climb on top of, and where I can stand, attached to the pa system, playing guitar to hot beat. (I can weld.)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
First show with the band.
So ya. Its our first show. There is 5 of us, and 7 songs. Plus natalie earnhart opening.
Its going to be pretty amazing. I can't wait to forfill a life long dream of mine, of playing in front of people with a band. This is the begining of the dream.
hopefully people like it.
check me out at http://myspace.com/thedegenerateera
Hormoning - Alex wants you to check out a tagged photo on MySpace
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Alot is going on in my life .I am in a wonderful band, that has been my dream since i was a child. We are finally going to play a show, which will be the start of completeing a life long dream of mine. I am running my own store, and i am in 2 wonderful relationships, (that i am taking very slowly mind you) with 2 wonderful girls that are completely aware of the exsistance of the other one, and are also dating one other boy as well. The situation is non jealous and mutually agreed on by all parties, and everyone is open about there intentions.
I imagine not all of you will understand this, and i am not posting this to start a discussion, only to mention that i am following my dreams, and my own beliefs about what is right and the way things should be. Thanks to everyone who is my friend and supports me trying to make it in this world. :-) I am glad i don't have to hide my life. My choices, while different, are just as pure in heart as anyones. So on that note , Lexi, and Megan, <3s and *s.The Degenerate era? You guys rock. Revived Cellular, you all put your heart and soul into it, and i thank you.
Megan, things have been really great lately. You scare me that you might be crazy, but in other ways you just might be perfect. I guess that is the line you walk huh? Thanks for coming in and making life awesome lately. I am glad you have gotten stuff figured out since the last time we dated, and i wonder how i didn't appreciate you more before. Your super nice, and totally love me.
Lexi, Your very cute. I've missed you. I am glad to be putting in the time to make things work, and i think that you are good for me. Your outlook on things is simalar to mine, and its easy to just be relaxed with you. I love going out, and getting dressed up, and i hope we do more of that together. You bring out the color in me, and i love you for it. I promise to take care of things, and you if you ever need it. don't be afriad of leaning, becuase i will be there.
Anyway, welcome back to honest updates, livejournal. Nothing will ever be hidden again. If you dont like reality readers, stop reading. It feel so great to be free!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
12:51AM - livejouRNAL...
I may be ready to start telling you about my life again.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
Things are so stressful right now. i feel like i am holding up three huge platters, and i am going to drop one, but i need all three in my life. Love ,Work, and play... those are the big 3 right? well.
Breath. Calm blue ocean. thank god for my friends. they tell me everything will be ok, and i think i can try to believe them.
Monday, December 21, 2009
5:56PM - The Degenerate Era
My band is doing pretty well.
Doing some new recordings, 5 members.
Its really rewarding actually. I seem to spend all my time outside of work on it however, it is like it own job. I definatly couldn't do it without joshes help.
its nice to have help from your friends.
You can check it out at
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Dear Grandpa Merle, November 22 2009
I am writing you this letter to let you know of eternally grateful that you thought I should have your 92 Celica GT Convertible. I (like you) have always been a fan of cars, and your Celica is an amazing automobile that shows the years of work you put in to maintenance and care. I figured that I would let you know that it may be the most well care for car that I have ever set my eyes on. It has inspired me to continue the legacy that you have set with regular maintenance and have plan some needed minor repairs. The car is pristine and turns heads regularly, as its so rare to see a car of its age in such great shape. I have owned many cars(and still do) but never a convertible. Its been great fun being out in the sun with the wind in my hair, shifting a smoothy operating machine with incredible ride and a feel for the road. I also wanted to detail you in some of our adventures in bringing the new toy across the United States to its new home in Vancouver Washington. So I suppose I should begin.
As you may remember we me and Jennifer set out in September from your residence. As we left we stopped by the Wal-Mart in Champaign, and visited the UI campus as Jennifer's father (who passed away in 2005) went to college at the campus in Urbana. We had the top down, and it was exhilarating! When we got gas we continued the tradition of marking down the mileage,amounts, and location in the black book. I have marked every fillup since as well (although I am running out of room, and may need a new book!) After that, we got on the freeway and put the top up, for a uneventful journey back to Uncle John's in Chicago. You make see the first picture of the car being lower from Uncle John's lift! It is a very nice set up in his garage in Chicago, designed to fit two cars in a one car space.
Fast forward to November 4, 2009. Jennifer, My friend Heather Jones, and myself arrive at O'Hare International Airport at 7:30PM. Uncle John picks all up from the Airport, and drives us back to his condo. There the car awaits, undisturbed just as I left it two months early. The next day finds the lot of us cruising around Chicago seeing millennium park, Uno's Pizza, and the water tower along Michigan Ave. We spend another night at my uncles before heading out in the morning.
The following morning begins our journey with a careful packing of the trunk. I proceeded to do this with the top down as to make sure that if we decided to put the top down at any point, it would not crush anything in the trunk! A quick goodbye and an 11Am start has us pulling into Rockford at about 130 pm. We wanted to stop by and visit Stevie, and show her the car! Of course, we had a long journey back home (over 2000 miles!) so we did not stay long. Saying our goodbyes at about 330, we headed out with the top down on the open road. I sat in back for the first time, and with the wind in my hair and some tunes on the radio we began the long journey home. We kept the top down and watched a beautiful purple Illinois sunset, which I have included a picture of, as well as me in the back seat in a “Chicago, the windy city” T-shirt.
I told the girls (Jennifer and Heather) that the rest of the journey was up to them. I was happy, I had the people I loved by my side, and a beautiful new car, as well as a few much needed days away from home. Whatever they wanted to go or see, was fine with me. So we headed northwest, to the Mall of America in Minnesota. (That was where the girls wanted to go, and who was I too say no?) Along the way we stopped in Wisconsin and took a picture of a Big cheese sign. We arrived at a hotel near the Mall of America at 1230 Am to get some sleep before exploring this monument to shopping the following morning. This did not stop the girls from driving to the enterance to take pictures before we went to sleep!
The following morning after a good nights rest packed up and prepared to go to the Mall of America. I used this opportunity to put the bra on the Celica as I did not want to chip the front end with any rocks on its cross country journey. After some help from Heather, and about 20 minutes it was finally on and we were ready to go. We arrived at the Mall and parked on the 4th floor of one of four separate parking garages! The mall itself was setup very efficiently. For being over 4 million square feet, it was relatively easy to get around in. However with 520 stores, it was easy to miss things. We did not buy much, allow the store selection was unique, and in sharp contrast to malls in general, it has some flair and things to offer that we not generic and overpriced. I was able to buy a vintage PEZ dispenser for my friend back home who collects them. We left in the afternoon and continued back onto the open road.
The rest of our journey was fairly straight forward. We passed through North Dakota first, and stopped at a restaurant shaped like an alien space ship. The inside was decorated as well, and had fake alien bodies, and a lot of interesting architecture and memorabilia relating to aliens and Science fiction in general. The food was actually pretty good as well! I stopped to take a picture of the Celica in front of the restaurant. After leaving we crossed into Montana stopping at 3 am at a small Rest Area and take a much needed break from driving.
The next morning at 9, we depart from the rest area. Montana stretches out long and deserted, which towns few and far between, and the state line never seeming to come. By the time we reach Idaho it is dark and after 7 PM. We see some snow at this point, and I take over driving. The Celica behaves perfectly in the adverse conditions, and I keep it slow and steady for about 20 miles, at which point the snow stopped and we had clear conditions all the way into Washington.
We cross Washington diagonally, to jump across the river into Oregon and pick up Interstate 84. This may seem strange since our destination is in Washington, but the Oregon highway is much more of a straight show and is much faster then taking its companion 2 lane state route 14 in Washington. We arrive in Portland at about 1 AM, and then at home at about 130AM Monday morning in Vancouver. The car gave us no problems, and took us home safely after an incredible journey.
The following day I proceed to show the car to my co-workers and friends, who are all very impressed. Mom comes by to look at the car, and we negotiate to allow me to store it in her garage in her new house that she recently purchased. I was worried about my cats clawing at cloth roof, and since mom has no cats, and an extra space, this seemed ideal. I don't plan to drive it often anyway, and she lives only 1 mile from my house, so when I want to use the car, I have been driving over to her house, parking my 1995 Saturn Coupe (also a manual transmission) and driving the Celica. When I am done it gets stored safely back in her enclosed garage, and my other car is there waiting for me.
After I got my first day off following the trip, I spent the day cleaning the car. I was able to vacuum and detail the interior with armor all, as well as give the whole car a very good scrub and wash. After driving across the country, many bugs has made there way onto the paint, as they tend to do. The car now is always put away clean. I also have been getting qoutes on having the hole in the rear plastic window repaired. After taking it to a few shops in town, I have decieded on a man in portland that does show car upholstery for replacing it. I am saving the money, but for $500 dollars he is going to remove the convertible top, and restitch all the tattered threads as well as replace the rear window and fix up the headliner as it seems to be coming apart a bit on the inside. After he is done, the convertible top should look as good as new! This is the first step in keeping this car pristine as I cannot allow water to seep in through the current hole in the rear window. Other future repairs are going to include removing an traces of rust from the bottom of the chassis, and replacing the clutch as it appears to be pretty worn out as well. I also would like to fix the small dent by the gas door. I want you to know that I don't plan on ever selling the Celica, but instead keeping it as family legacy, and restoring it to perfect condition. After all the work that you put into in keeping it nice, I figure it deserves that. Maybe I will hand it down to my children if and when there ready.
Thank you with all my heart Grandpa. Your part of the best family a man could ask for.
Alexander Nicholas Santos
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Im not whining online for once (which is good)
We are all crappy in our own way. You trade one set of flaws for anouther. You can keep trading over and over again thinking your going to find the perfect thing, flawless and beautiful, but your blind because the grass isnt any greener when you get there. Yes it may be a different color, more red, blue, yellow... but it definatly is not one bit greener, or at least by any reasonable amount. Trade up, trade up you say... but you only go sideways. I for one have better things to do. A life to move forward with, and goals to concur. Why pretend that i need to keep learning this lesson? Working on the same aspect over and over again is taking up time i should be using to better myself and others, while pursuing goals.Farthermore, I've come to the conclusion that to think your on a better path then anyone else is foolish. Only time can decide that, and you can't see the future.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
GOING to burning man... WILL be gone for over a week til Labor day... Its a 14 hour car drive, and no phone service, so i imagine ill be out of contact with everyone. GOOD luck to me! lol and ETHANS NEON GREEN VAN. we have been fixing it up all month to prepare for this trip. The labor paid my way to go... including a 250 dollar ticket!
thanks all, and peace out.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
1:12AM - err...
I really want a child. Sometimes it seems impossibly far away. Alot of my friends have them already. Some may not know how lucky they are. Most may not understand how important it is to me, or why. Patricks new baby, has me thinking alot. I like holding her.
You wouldnt peg me for the kind of guy who would be wasting my breath thinking about this... but... i am, weather or not anyone believes it.
and ya. I worry about things that im sure are silly. Like what if i am one of those rare people who has something wrong with him and cant have kid? I mean i guess i dont know until i really try, with a person i can trust. But still i worry. I wish i knew that everything would be ok. I guess you can never really know that though. You can only try with good intentions and logic and love.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
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